Doughnuts to Manipulate Men

I thought I knew the origin of the doughnut. Popular belief on the internet follows a different mythology. However, I impressed my friends last weekend by relaying my own version while I glazed some home-fried, circular treats for them. This is what I remember learning from my first grade teacher, Mrs. Maltzman.

Before the internet, people used the postal service. Before cars, people used horses. The Pony Express was the low-tech route system for mail delivery. Striving for optimal efficiency, the men often did not have time to stop for meals. They would ride all day. It became customary for women to prepare cakes for the riders in exchange for their services. To prevent delaying operations, smart ladies would fry cakes with holes in the middle, through which the men would use their finger as a joist for unsurpassed doughnut transfer. It was all about speed back then. Speed and cakes and mail and gender roles. What do you guys think of my story?

The following is a how-to guide for manipulating your mailman and other gentlemen callers into loving you via semi-homemade doughnut creations.

1) Acquire some canisters of buttermilk biscuits. Excellent, now you have dough that is already portioned into little hole-less doughnuts.

2) Use a bottle cap to punch out the center of each disc. Save the middle. Those will be little baby doughnut holes one day.

3) Heat up some oil in a small pan. If it’s at the right temperature, the gooey ring will transform into a golden brown beauty once it’s been in the oil for a minute or so. Flip it with some chopsticks.

4) Combine 2 cups powdered sugar and 1/4 milk in a saucepan to make a glaze. Put it on the donuts. Put a vegetable steamer over a pot to create a drip rack, or you can use an actual drip rack if you have one. I try my hardest to stay away from pointless kitchen appliances that can be easily substituted using random household objects. The only reason I have a rolling pin is because I drink wine.

5) Add pretty sprinkles before the glaze solidifies.

6) Eat ’em hot and share with your admirers. They are so delicious and everybody will love you if you make them. Lasso up your mailman with a doughnut.

<3 Food Cutie

Categories: food, i made itTags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,


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